An image of a woman giving a guy oral sex, with the caption "Why is this okay" next to an image of a man giving a woman oral sex, and the caption "But not this?"

Blowjobs are good, but not going down on a woman?

A recent study of young adults from the UK found that both men and women consider performing oral sex on a woman to be a “far bigger deal” than performing oral sex on a man.

“Many young men referred to vulvas negatively — as ‘dirty,’ ‘disgusting,’ ‘nasty,’ ‘droopy,’ ‘messy,’ ‘saggy,’ ‘stinking,'” the study’s authors write. As one 18-year-old man who participated in the study reported, “[If] a guy does it to a girl… boy, is his life over, because everyone knows about it.”

Women said they were aware of the male views, and that this made them less likely to enjoy receiving oral sex.

From Refinery 29 by Hayley MacMillen.


Everything You Ever Wanted To Know about Hymens

I just received a comment from an expert on the hymen whose study I had quoted a couple of years ago in a post I did for the Psychology Today Blogs: The New York Times Is Wrong about Hymens—But They Are Not Alone (see below). Here are her kind words that I think you’ll find very helpful:


I found your article on hymens to be refreshingly accurate. I am a Pediatrician whose specialty for the past 28 years has been the medical evaluation of suspected child sexual abuse. The article you quoted about adolescent girls with and without a history of consensual intercourse is mine.

There are actually 2 myths about the hymen; one dangerous and one protective for women:

The first and oldest myth is that the hymen always breaks the first time a woman has vaginal intercourse, and will bleed. The second is that athletics or tampons can break the hymen. These are not supported by any evidence whatsoever.

The hymen is stretchy!!! That is why most women don’t bleed after their first time.

Continue reading

  • Image of a woman looking into her panties with a magnifying glass.
  • Close-up image of a woman from the navel to her thighs, holding up a sign in front of her crotch that says "Wet!" while showing a thumbs up sign with her other hand.

How wet do women get when they are not aroused?

A gynecologist who consults for my book says you wouldn’t believe how many women think their vaginas should be dry except when they are feeling sexually aroused.

Here’s the reality: it’s not unusual or abnormal for there to be enough discharge from a woman’s vagina to dry on her underwear or to soak through it. This is not a result of sexual arousal. It’s what vaginas do, and it’s happening all of the time. Secretions are the body’s way of doing maintence on a woman’s uterus and vagina.

According to the University of Illinois, “Normal discharge may appear clear, cloudy white, and/or yellowish when dry on clothing. It may also contain white flecks and at times may be thin and stringy.” This can vary depending on where a woman is during her menstrual cycle, with changes in her diet, emotional stressors, taking medications including the pill, and pregnancy.

The Clitoris Video—Version 2

The first version of this video had close to 3 million views in less than a year, but I felt it could be better. So I revised it and just posted the new version. It’s now shorter, has more info, and I don’t think you’ll find a better video on the clitoris.

If you like the video, I hope you’ll let your friends know. It takes a huge amount of work to do each video.

Image showing a condom being hung to dry on a clothesline.

Never reuse them

Condoms are only meant to be driven once. And never use a condom for intercourse that’s been on a penis for oral sex. It’s easy to make tiny tears in the material with your teeth.

Johnsons & Johnsons baby powder and Shower to Shower containers superimposed over a woman's bikini with a red diagonal "No" symbol running through it.

Talc and Ovarian Cancer

A jury in Missouri has awarded $72 million to the family of a woman who died from ovarian cancer. The woman had dusted her crotch with talc from Johnson & Johnson for much of life, just like millons of women do in the US, Canada and the UK.

It didn’t help Johnson & Johnson’s case that one of their medical consultants informed them in 1997 that “Anybody who denies the risk of using hygienic talc and ovarian cancer will be publicly perceived in the same light as those who denied a link between smoking cigarettes and cancer; denying the obvious in the face of all evidence to the contrary.”

Then there was the esteemed gynecologist from Harvard who stated that powdering female genitals with talc could be a contributing factor in 10,000 cases of ovarian cancer each year. Oops!

Powder giant Johnson & Johnson disagreed, as has much of the media who keeps repeating the tired statement that the cancer-causing culprit in talc was asbestos, which has been filtered out of talc since the 1970s. They forget to mention that silica, which can be found in some forms of talc, is listed as a cancer causing agent. They also seem to gloss over the fact that the jury only needed to deliberate for five hours before finding Johnson & Johnson guilty.

Why hasn’t Johnson & Johnson warned women about the possible dangers of using talc on their crotches? Why would they, given their recent history of being fined billions of dollars for misrepresenting their drug Risperdal, and for their recalls of Rolaids, Mylanta, Tylenol, Benadryl, Acuvue contac lenses, failing hip replacements, and losing or destroying thousands of key documents related to their defective vaginal mesh products.

How dangerous is it for a woman to directly powder her genitals, or powder her pads with talc, or to use talc-containing sprays? Some studies say there is a link between talc and ovarian cancer, others aren’t so sure. As for relative risks, using talc on female genitals is not nearly as dangerous as smoking a pack of cigaretts a day, and maybe not even as dangerous as drinking the water in Flynt Michigan.

So if you use talc on your genitals, it’s unlikely you’ll be joining the thousand or so women with ovarian cancer who have filed lawsuits against Johnson and Johnson—or that your family will be joining the families of these women after they died.

This leaves us with the question of why would a woman feel she needs to powder her genitals at all, and are there safer alternatives?

In China, which is the world’s leading producer of talc, only 2.2% of women dust their crotches with talc. In the US, Canada, and the UK, almost 50% of women use talc on their genitals. For starters, Chinese women haven’t been bombarded with ads like these for the past 100 years:

  • Feminine hygiene ad featuring Kathy Rigby: "Some women never have to think twice about menstrual odor."
  • Vintage feminine hygiene ad featuring a nurse saying to a perplexed young wife "You see, Dear, there's a grave womanly offense that's rarely discussed."
  • Vintage feminine hygiene ad: "The trickiest deodorant problem a girl has in't under her pretty little armpits."
  • Vintage feminine hygiene ad: Another love-match shipwrecked do to feminine odor because the woman did not douche with Lysol.
  • Vintage feminine hygiene ad: "Me, intimate odor?"
  • Vintage feminine hygiene ad: "That other you could wreck your marriage" if you don't douche with lysol.
  • Vintage feminine hygiene ad: Your husband could lock you out if you don't use Lysol to douche with.

Continue reading

Illustration of a penis with hypospadias showing the urethra exiting before the head of the penis.

Hypospadias explained

Hypospadias is one of the most common birth anomalies there is. It occurs in 1 out of every 125 to 250 boys, although mild forms of hypospadias may be even more common than this.

Hypospadias is a condition where the urethra doesn’t go to the end of the penis. The urethra is the tube inside the penis that urine and semen pass through. In mild cases of hypospadias, the urethra comes out near the end of the penis, but not quite. In more severe cases, it can come out anywhere from below the head of the penis to the area between the scrotum and anus which is called the anogential region.

It makes sense that hypospadias occurs on the bottom side of the penis where nature left what appears to be a long seam. The seam occurs when the penis is forming in the fetus. It’s just below where the urethra goes. As part of fetal development, nature fuses or “zips up” the shaft and head of penis to make it look more like a sausage. Where there is hypospadias, the urethra got caught in the seam.

Continue reading

Black and white image of a man intimately kissing a woman.

“I can f#ck any Tom, Dick or Harry any day of the week, but I won’t kiss just anyone.”

From A Kiss Can’t Lie: Why Kissing Is Far More Intimate Than Having Sex by Zara Barrie in Elite Daily:

“You can have sex without even looking your partner in the eye. But kisses are built on nothing but feelings.”

“It’s hard for me to snog (kiss) someone I don’t like, but it’s easy for me to shag (fuck) him. When I’m shagging, I can just shut my eyes and get on with it.”

Here’s our very own video on kissing:

Photo of a guy wearing a cap who is giving a woman oral sex.

Her first time receiving oral sex

A young woman’s answer to our sex survey question “Please describe one or two of your best sexual experiences”:

“The first time my boyfriend went down on me, I was caught completely off guard. We had been making out and he had been fingering me. When he asked if he should keep going I said, ‘Yes,’ thinking he meant doing the same. Then he began pulling down my pants and underwear and I remember thinking that I didn’t expect that but I didn’t want him to stop. As it was happening, I realized it was the first time I’d ever been naked in front of someone this way, and I instinctively covered my face with my hands. I suddenly felt overexposed. When I looked at him, he smiled at me—sweetly, reassuringly, making sure I was still okay. As he started going down I remember thinking, ‘Is this really happening?!’ The sensation was alien. The novelty of the situation prevented me from fully appreciating the sexual stimulation. But the emotional intimacy was so electric and pure that the experience was transcendent and will stay with me always.”

This very cool image is of Karly and Sean from the What You See Fit Tumblr.

  • A guy without a shirt who's unzipped his pants. He is wearing no underwear, and you can see his pubic hair.
  • A couple naked and standing together, with a focus on their public hair.
  • The profile of a woman who is laying on a bed, showing her pubic hair.
  • An interesting close up of a woman's pubic hair.

Contrary to what many teens & young adults assume, it’s normal to have pubic hair

The man and woman in the slideshow above have great sex together in spite of their pubic hair. As for this woman in the bathtub…

A woman's mons pubis and pubic hair protruding above the water while she's in the bath.

…She and her partner have fun playing with her pubic hair. And taking a bath without having to shave can be relaxing!

Still, if you don’t like your pubic hair, see our cool shaving slideshow that shows one of the less abrasive ways to remove pubic hair.

The people in slideshow above are from the Tumblr Slide To Unlock. They are a creative couple from the UK who have been married for more than ten years. They created their Tumblr as a chronicle of their sex life.

  • Couple in the shower kissing.
  • Couple in the shower kissing.
  • Couple in the shower kissing.

How to make sex in the shower safer and more satisfying

GET GRIPPER BARS! Get ADA approved gripper bars for shower sex. The person on the receiving end can lean forward and grab the bar while the person behind is thrusting.

These bars are less than $25: Moen 8942 Home Care 42-Inch Grab Bar Stainless 42 inches (4.8 out of 5 stars from 158 reviews on Amazon, but none mention sex).

Also: Moen 8736 Home Care 36-Inch Grab Bar, Stainless , 18″ to 42,” (4.8 out of 5 stars from 322 reviews, but none mention sex).

These Moen Saftey Bars are rated at 500 lbs. pull strength and are ADA compliant—not that the ADA rates equipment for its sex-worthiness.

The words "Sex and autism" boldly displayed in 3d type with an abstract blue floral background.

Sex, Asperger’s and Autism

Here is an extensive list of books, articles and websites that I’ve put together on sex, Asperger’s and autism.

I’ve tried to divide these resources into two parts: Part 1. For parents, teachers, therapists, teens and preteens, and Part 2. For adults with autism and their partners who may or may not have autism.

There is some crossover between the two parts, e.g. Naked Brain Ink should be in both sections. Also, you might wonder why a few of the resources I’ve listed aren’t specifically on sex and autism. I believe it’s difficult to understand more about sex and autism if you don’t have good sense of what autism is to begin with. Some of the most highly regarded books on autism in general are NeuroTribes by Steve Silberman, Uniquely Human by Barry Prizant, and anything written by Temple Grandin (I’ve listed some of her books at the end of Part 1).

Beyond separating the following resources into Part 1 and 2, there is no way I could tell which are best for your needs, so I haven’t listed them in any particular order.

Part 1. For Parents, Teachers, Therapists, Teenagers, and Preteens

Nathan and Sylvia A brief YouTube video that tells the story of a boy with autism and his autism service dog. This video isn’t about sex. It’s about love. It’s Nathan’s story in his own words about how he was struggling terribly middle school. Then his parents got him a service dog named Sylvia who helped change his life. Sylvia became Nathan’s best friend and showed him how to do more than just live with autism. Nathan is in college now, with Sylvia still by his side. (Nathan’s high school district did not want him to bring Sylvia to school with him and tried to prevent it from happening. Nathan’s parents eventually got a law passed in their state legislature to allow autism service dogs in schools.)

Here’s Nathan’s YouTube Channel Autism ACTUALLY Speaking. He gives helpful advice on subjects like coping with change, managing anxiety, and making friends.

Sexuality: Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities a book by Karin Melberg Schwier & Dave Hingburger

Teaching Children with Down Syndrome about Their Bodies, Boundaries, and Sexuality An excellent book by Terri Couwenhoven, who is highly regarded and respected by sex educators and therapists for her incredible knowledge and skill in working with people who are developmentally delayed or have autism-spectrum disorders.

The Growing Up Book for Boys: What Boys on the Autism Spectrum Need to Know! by Davida Hartman, one of the most respected educators for children with autism and developmental disabilities. It explains the growth spurts, body changes and mood swings of adolescence for boys aged 9-14. This is a time when bodies start acting with a will of their own, friendships change and crushes start to develop. The “Growing Up Books” use direct language and cool colour illustrations, this book helps boys understand what they need to know about growing hair in new places, shaving, wet dreams, unexpected erections, and more.

Continue reading

A couple laying next to each other, with she reading a book and having one hand casually in his sweatpants, and he looking at his laptop with one hand on her leg.

A normal straight couple chillin’

This is a real life couple spending a lazy afternoon together. You’d never know that couples spend time together like this if your main source of sex-ed is porn or your way of hooking up is Tinder or Grindr.

Wether you are straight or gay, relationships in real life include lazy afternoons as well as the occasional all out sexfest. Friendship and intimacy rarely exist in porn, but they are often a central part of sex in real life relationships.

This image is from the Of the Moon and Sea Tumblr.


An Unusual Sex Survey

I’ve now collected more than 11,000 of your sex surveys.

While I have seldom found there to be a “typical” women’s survey response, the men’s survey answers tend to be more predictable. That’s why the survey I’m posting today stood out as being unusual.

This man likes having sex with women, but he is aroused by looking at penises. He posts photos of his own penis online every day. He also enjoys transgender porn and cock’n’ball torture. So if you’re a guy who is into the things this man is, you can take solace in knowing that you’re not alone.

A 32-Year Old Man

I am a sperm-donor baby and never knew my father.

I grew up identifying as straight and have only had physical/romantic relationships with women. But now I consider myself “open to all options” and have been interacting more erotically with men in online forums. I am still strongly attracted to women, but I also find men’s genitals incredibly arousing.

I have always had issues with showering and being naked with other guys. I definitely had self-confidence issues when I was growing up (I believed I was dramatically under-endowed). Now I feel nervous about the idea of being naked around other men for the opposite reason. I fear that showering or being naked with other men (in a non-erotic context) would cause me to become aroused and I would embarrass myself in a whole new way.

I’ve had four relationships, all with women: two long-term, a one-night-stand with a friend, and a friends-with-benefits situation. Some of my best sexual experiences have been simultaneous orgasms during intercourse, 69 and mutual masturbation. There’s nothing better than sharing that moment.

I masturbate 2-4 times per week, but I post erotic photos of myself online on an almost daily basis, and so I often feel like I’m in a constant state of mild arousal, regardless of actual orgasms.

I’ve learned that women’s bodies are often radically more “connected” than men’s bodies in terms of sensory arousal. Ears, necks, nipples, fingers, feet: it seems like almost any part of a woman’s body can be fair game for erotic touch, whereas I feel like my own erogenous zones are much more exclusively limited to my genitals and mouth.

Continue reading

  • Heavily tattooed woman's back, bum and legs with the caption "Nice bum"
  • A bunch of naked people with their bodies attached together in a way that makes the outline of a car, with the caption "Nice Car"
  • Close up of a crocheted bikini bottom on woman with special pouches for tampons and the caption "Nice holster"
  • Image of guy with his pants open and a "I can make your bed rock" caption on the front of his Flintstones briefs, with the caption "Nice Yabba Dabba Doo."

New “Nice” Images!

CLICK HERE to see the ones that are NSFW!

A split image, with the top side showing a sandwich piled high with bean sprouts, and the lower side with semen on a man's abdomen with a finger in the middle of it. The caption reads "sprouts versus semen."

Is semen safer to swallow than sprouts?

The nation’s most prominent food safety-lawyer has made a list of the six foods he will never eat. This guy has taken on Chili’s, Chi-Chi’s, Chipotle, Costco, ConAgra, Dole, KFC, McDonald’s, Odwalla, Sizzler, Taco Bell and Wendy’s. He clearly knows his food borne bacteria.

At #2 on his list of the most dangerous foods are raw bean sprouts—including alfalfa, mung beans, clover and radish sprouts. These can make you very sick due to bacterial contamination of their seeds.

Raw bean sprouts smell like semen, and semen contains seeds—if you count sperm as being seeds.

So is semen safer to swallow than sprouts? I don’t know of any studies on this. But if semen wasn’t safe to swallow, millions of straight women and gay men would be hospitalized each year due to semenella poisoning. This does not appear to be the case.

There is reason for concern if you have bleeding gums AND your partner has Ebola, HIV, hepatitis, herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea or perhaps HPV.

But in the overall scheme of things, French kissing (mouth to mouth) is probably a more frequent source of disease transmission than swallowing semen or eating sprouts.

Image showing two couples intertwined in their underwear.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is when a relationship involves more than two people, with the consent of everyone involved. Polyamory is a broad term which can include group relationships, or it can be a single person who chooses to have multiple relationships without an agreement of monogamy. The relationships often include friendship, love, and emotional commitment in addition to sex.

Polyamory is different from swinging. Swinging is where primary couples switch partners while everyone is in the same location. Swinging is usually more about recreational sex, while people who are into polyamory share emotional as well as sexual feelings.

I know of a situation where a woman lives with her husband and their best friend, who is also her lover. Each has their own bedroom. One night she’ll sleep with her husband, the next night with their best friend. The two men never have sex together, although everyone shares in the bill paying and household chores.

I know of another polyamory relationship where the husband and wife live together in a home with their children. To someone who doesn’t know them well, they seem like a regular nuclear family. But they have an open relationship where each has a lover who the other knows about. So there is no sneaking around, because nothing is hidden. The other partners don’t live in the house with them and don’t participate in parenting their children.

In polyamory, lovers can be of the opposite sex or the same sex. There can be a wide range of gender and sexual orientations. This is different from swinging, where female bisexuality is common but male bisexuality is less accepted.

Polyamory honchos (authors and heads of poly organizations) say that as long as there is full communication and transparency, things like jealousy, possessiveness and rejection can be overcome. I’m not so sure this is always the case, so tread carefully and be fully informed if this is what you’d like to try.

Blurry image of a naked man with an inset of a microscope view of mycoplasma genitalium.

A new STI that should make you want to use condoms

I usually don’t announce posts in advance, except in cases like this when I’ve spent weeks working on one.

I’ve been looking into a recently discovered sexually transmitted infection called Mycoplasma genitalium. It was first discovered in 1980, but researchers weren’t even sure it was an STI for several years. It is extremely small and difficult to culture. Worse yet, there are no approved tests to detect it.

Some of the challenges scientists have faced with Mycoplasma genitalium are similar to the story of the blind men and the elephant. But unlike the elephant, which is one of the largest living creatures, this new STI is one of the smallest living organisms ever discovered. It has the shortest genetic code of any single-cell organism that is capable of self-replication, yet it can cause a man’s urethra to become chronically inflamed and make his penis constantly drip. Or it may be able to attach to a sperm and get a free ride up a woman’s fallopian tubes where it could possibly give her pelvic inflammatory disease.

A considerable problem in treating Mycoplasma genitalium is that it doesn’t have a cell wall. Most antibiotics work by attacking a protein in the bacteria’s cell wall. So if there’s no cell wall, there are fewer ways to kill the bacteria. Drinking a Slurpee at 7-11 would be as effective in fighting this bacteria as most front line antibiotics.

Another problem is how this new STI is quickly becoming resistant to the few treatments we do have.

Most media reports about Mycoplasma genitalium or anything else in science and medicine are generated from press releases that journals create to help increase their readership and influence. These press releases are seldom harbingers of scientific truth, yet they form the foundation for much of what we read about science and medicine.

As a result, I’m reading most of the actual studies done on Mycoplasma genitalium since 2000. I have also contacted some of the authors of these studies with my own questions. Hopefully I’ll have a complete post on Mycoplasma genitalium ready by the end of next week.

View of students walking on the campus of Santa Barbara City College with the ocean in the background and the insignia of Santa Barbara City College on the bottom right.

Welcome to students from Santa Barbara City College

Santa Barbara City College was the first college in the country to use the Guide To Getting It On in their sex ed classes.

A special welcome to SBCC students who are taking PSY 125: Psychology Of Human Sexuality. It’s one of the few courses that will keep rewarding you and your partners throughout your entire lives.

A threesome in bed with the caption "Meet some of our weekly newsletter subscribers."

Sign up for our newsletter and…

Sign up for our newsletter and you will be automatically entered in a weekly drawing to win a FREE COPY of the GUIDE TO GETTING IT ON.


You will be reentered in each week’s drawing unless you have already won. You must claim to be at least 18 years of age, and you must live in the US to receive a printed version of the book. If you live elsewhere, we will send you a coupon to receive a free Kindle or iBooks ebook, unless you live in a part of the world where Amazon and Apple will not deliver, in which case we will only be able to send you our deepest sympathies.

We will never sell, rent or otherwise abuse your email address.

A photo of Olympic medalist Gus Kenworthy.

Olympic Champion Gus Kenworthy: “I feel like I’m helping battle gay stereotypes, because I compete in a rugged action sport.”

Gus Kenworthy, who was an olympic freestyle skiing medalist at the 2014 Sochi Games, came out as being gay last December.

Kenworthy told Us Magazine, “I used to hook up with girls to be cool with the guys; there were times I would cry afterwards.” (Some of the women he dated included Miley Cyrus and figure skater Gracie Gold.)

“I was worried I’d be known as ‘the gay skier’… and everything else about me would be overlooked. I have a big fan base of young girls, and I didn’t want to disappoint them.”

Nothing of the sort happened. Friends and family have been incredibly supportive.

Kenworthy says it’s insane how many gay athletes have since come out to him, several who are still closeted.

From US Magazine.

From Pink News.

Man on moisture wicking boxer briefs and woman athlete in moisture wicking uniform.

Moisture Wicking Underwear and Sportswear

Not many people understand what moisture wicking underwear is, and how it can keep you drier and smelling fresher between your legs. It also feels great.

We’ve always been told that cotton is best, especially for the crotches of women’s underwear. But now that we have third generation mositure-wicking fabrics, this is no longer the case.

Cotton is thicker than moisture wicking fabric. It absorbs body sweat and holds the moisture in the center of the fabric. So it dries slowly.

Moisture wicking fabrics are much thinner than cotton. They are designed with special fibers that whisk moisture and sweat away from your skin and distribute it over the outer surface of the fabric, where it can dry quickly. This keeps the moisture away from your skin.

Moisture wicking fabric also has antibacterial properties. That’s because it dries quickly so bacteria can’t form inside of it like it does inside of cotton—so your underwear is less likely to smell like the inside of a boys’ high school locker room.

Young man with a very sweaty teeshirtCotton holds sweat like this.

Thanks to The Underwear Expert for an explanation of moisture wicking material.