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Photo of a guy wearing a cap who is giving a woman oral sex.

Her first time receiving oral sex

A young woman’s answer to our sex survey question “Please describe one or two of your best sexual experiences”: 

“The first time my boyfriend went down on me, I was caught completely off guard. We had been making out and he had been fingering me. When he asked if he should keep going I said, ‘Yes,’ thinking he meant doing the same. Then he began pulling down my pants and underwear and I remember thinking that I didn’t expect that but I didn’t want him to stop. As it was happening, I realized it was the first time I’d ever been naked in front of someone this way, and I instinctively covered my face with my hands. I suddenly felt overexposed. When I looked at him, he smiled at me—sweetly, reassuringly, making sure I was still okay. As he started going down I remember thinking, ‘Is this really happening?!’ The sensation was alien. The novelty of the situation prevented me from fully appreciating the sexual stimulation. But the emotional intimacy was so electric and pure that the experience was transcendent and will stay with me always.”

This very cool image is of Karly & Sean from the What You See Fit Tumblr.

The words "Sex and autism" boldly displayed in 3d type with an abstract blue floral background.

Sex, Asperger’s and Autism

Here’s an extensive list of books, articles and websites on sex, Asperger’s and autism.

I’ve tried to divide these resources into two parts: Part 1. For parents, teachers, therapists, teens and preteens, and Part 2. For adults with autism and their partners who may or may not have autism.

There is some crossover between the two parts, e.g. Naked Brain Ink should be in both sections. And while some of the books aren’t specifically on sex and autism, everything will make more sense if you have an understanding of what autism is other than the standard checklist that most articles and books tend to include. Some of the best overviews of autism are NeuroTribes, by Steve Silberman, Uniquely Human, by Barry Prizant, and anything written by Temple Grandin (I’ve listed some at the end of Part 1).

Beyond separating these resources into Part 1 and 2, there is no way I could tell which resources are best for your needs, so I haven’t listed them in any particular order.

Part 1. For Parents, Teachers, Therapists, Teenagers, and Preteens

Nathan and Sylvia A brief YouTube video that tells the story of a boy and his autism service dog. Nathan is now in college and I hope he’s having great sex, but this brief video isn’t about sex. It’s about love—of a boy in middle school who found himself with the help of a service dog, and the love of a his parents who wouldn’t allow their school district to destroy that love. This video is Nathan’s story about how he was a struggling middle school student with autism. Then he got a service dog named Sylvia who helped change his life. This is the story of how Sylvia became Nathan’s best friend and showed him how to do more than just live with autism. Nathan is in college now, with Sylvia still by his side.

Here’s Nathan’s YouTube Channel Autism ACTUALLY Speaking. It’s where he gives helpful advice on subjects like coping with change, managing anxiety, and making friends.

Sexuality: Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities a book by Karin Melberg Schwier & Dave Hingburger

Teaching Children with Down Syndrome about Their Bodies, Boundaries, and Sexuality An excellent book by Terri Couwenhoven, who is highly regarded and respected by sex educators and therapists for her incredible knowledge and skill in working with people who are developmentally delayed or have autism-spectrum disorders.

The Growing Up Book for Boys: What Boys on the Autism Spectrum Need to Know! by Davida Hartman, one of the most respected educators for children with autism and developmental disabilities. It explains the growth spurts, body changes and mood swings of adolescence for boys aged 9-14. This is a time when bodies start acting with a will of their own, friendships change and crushes start to develop. Using direct language and cool colour illustrations, this book helps boys understand what they need to know about growing hair in new places, shaving, wet dreams, unexpected erections, and more.

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A couple laying next to each other, with she reading a book and having one hand casually in his sweatpants, and he looking at his laptop with one hand on her leg.

A normal straight couple chillin’

This is a real life couple spending a lazy afternoon together. You’d never know that couples spend time together like this if your main source of sex-ed is porn or your way of hooking up is Tinder or Grindr.

Wether you are straight or gay, elationships in real life include lazy afternoons as well as the occasional all out sexfest. Friendship and intimacy rarely exist in porn, but they are often a central part of sex in real life relationships.

This image is from the Of the Moon and Sea Tumblr.

Sex-Survey-Logo-flat-800

An Unusual Sex Survey

I’ve now collected more than 11,000 of your sex surveys.

While I have seldom found there to be a “typical” women’s survey response, the men’s survey answers tend to be more predictable. That’s why the survey I’m posting today stood out as being unusual.

This man likes having sex with women, but he is aroused by looking at penises. He posts photos of his own penis online every day. He also enjoys transgender porn and cock’n’ball torture. So if you’re a guy who is into the things this man is, you can take solace in knowing that you’re not alone.

A 32-Year Old Man

I am a sperm-donor baby and never knew my father.

I grew up identifying as straight and have only had physical/romantic relationships with women. But now I consider myself “open to all options” and have been interacting more erotically with men in online forums. I am still strongly attracted to women, but I also find men’s genitals incredibly arousing.

I have always had issues with showering and being naked with other guys. I definitely had self-confidence issues when I was growing up (I believed I was dramatically under-endowed). Now I feel nervous about the idea of being naked around other men for the opposite reason. I fear that showering or being naked with other men (in a non-erotic context) would cause me to become aroused and I would embarrass myself in a whole new way.

I’ve had four relationships, all with women: two long-term, a one-night-stand with a friend, and a friends-with-benefits situation. Some of my best sexual experiences have been simultaneous orgasms during intercourse, 69 and mutual masturbation. There’s nothing better than sharing that moment.

I masturbate 2-4 times per week, but I post erotic photos of myself online on an almost daily basis, and so I often feel like I’m in a constant state of mild arousal, regardless of actual orgasms.

I’ve learned that women’s bodies are often radically more “connected” than men’s bodies in terms of sensory arousal. Ears, necks, nipples, fingers, feet: it seems like almost any part of a woman’s body can be fair game for erotic touch, whereas I feel like my own erogenous zones are much more exclusively limited to my genitals and mouth.

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  • Heavily tattooed woman's back, bum and legs with the caption "Nice bum"
  • A bunch of naked people with their bodies attached together in a way that makes the outline of a car, with the caption "Nice Car"
  • Close up of a crocheted bikini bottom on woman with special pouches for tampons and the caption "Nice holster"
  • Image of guy with his pants open and a "I can make your bed rock" caption on the front of his Flintstones briefs, with the caption "Nice Yabba Dabba Doo."

10 New “Nice” Images!

These aren’t NSFW…  CLICK HERE to see the ones that are!

A split image, with the top side showing a sandwich piled high with bean sprouts, and the lower side with semen on a man's abdomen with a finger in the middle of it. The caption reads "sprouts versus semen."

Is semen safer to swallow than sprouts?

The nation’s most prominent food safety-lawyer has made a list of the six foods he will never eat. This guy has taken on Chili’s, Chi-Chi’s, Chipotle, Costco, ConAgra, Dole, KFC, McDonald’s, Odwalla, Sizzler, Taco Bell and Wendy’s. He clearly knows his food borne bacteria.

At #2 on his list of the most dangerous foods are raw bean sprouts—including alfalfa, mung beans, clover and radish sprouts. These can make you very sick due to bacterial contamination of their seeds.

Raw bean sprouts smell like semen, and semen contains seeds—if you count sperm as being seeds.

So is semen safer to swallow than sprouts? I don’t know of any studies on this. But if semen wasn’t safe to swallow, millions of straight women and gay men would be hospitalized each year due to semenella poisoning. This does not appear to be the case.

There is reason for concern if you have bleeding gums AND your partner has Ebola, HIV, hepatitis, herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea or perhaps HPV.

But in the overall scheme of things, French kissing (mouth to mouth) is probably a more frequent source of disease transmission than swallowing semen or eating sprouts.

Image showing two couples intertwined in their underwear.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is when a relationship involves more than two people, with the consent of everyone involved. Polyamory is a broad term which can include group relationships, or it can be a single person who chooses to have multiple relationships without an agreement of monogamy. The relationships often include friendship, love, and emotional commitment in addition to sex.

Polyamory is different from swinging. Swinging is where primary couples switch partners while everyone is in the same location. Swinging is usually more about recreational sex, while people who are into polyamory share emotional as well as sexual feelings.

I know of a situation where a woman lives with her husband and their best friend, who is also her lover. Each has their own bedroom. One night she’ll sleep with her husband, the next night with their best friend. The two men never have sex together, although everyone shares in the bill paying and household chores.

I know of another polyamory relationship where the husband and wife live together in a home with their children. To someone who doesn’t know them well, they seem like a regular nuclear family. But they have an open relationship where each has a lover who the other knows about. So there is no sneaking around, because nothing is hidden. The other partners don’t live in the house with them and don’t participate in parenting their children.

In polyamory, lovers can be of the opposite sex or the same sex. There can be a wide range of gender and sexual orientations. This is different from swinging, where female bisexuality is common but male bisexuality is less accepted.

Polyamory honchos (authors and heads of poly organizations) say that as long as there is full communication and transparency, things like jealousy, possessiveness and rejection can be overcome. I’m not so sure this is always the case, so tread carefully and be fully informed if this is what you’d like to try.

Blurry image of a naked man with an inset of a microscope view of mycoplasma genitalium.

A new STI that should make you want to use condoms

I usually don’t announce posts in advance, except in cases like this when I’ve spent weeks working on one.

I’ve been looking into a recently discovered sexually transmitted infection called Mycoplasma genitalium. It was first discovered in 1980, but researchers weren’t even sure it was an STI for several years. It is extremely small and difficult to culture. Worse yet, there are no approved tests to detect it.

Some of the challenges scientists have faced with Mycoplasma genitalium are similar to the story of the blind men and the elephant. But unlike the elephant, which is one of the largest living creatures, this new STI is one of the smallest living organisms ever discovered. It has the shortest genetic code of any single-cell organism that is capable of self-replication, yet it can cause a man’s urethra to become chronically inflamed and make his penis constantly drip. Or it may be able to attach to a sperm and get a free ride up a woman’s fallopian tubes where it could possibly give her pelvic inflammatory disease.

A considerable problem in treating Mycoplasma genitalium is that it doesn’t have a cell wall. Most antibiotics work by attacking a protein in the bacteria’s cell wall. So if there’s no cell wall, there are fewer ways to kill the bacteria. Drinking a Slurpee at 7-11 would be as effective in fighting this bacteria as most front line antibiotics.

Another problem is how this new STI is quickly becoming resistant to the few treatments we do have.

Most media reports about Mycoplasma genitalium or anything else in science and medicine are generated from press releases that journals create to help increase their readership and influence. These press releases are seldom harbingers of scientific truth, yet they form the foundation for much of what we read about science and medicine.

As a result, I’m reading most of the actual studies done on Mycoplasma genitalium since 2000. I have also contacted some of the authors of these studies with my own questions. Hopefully I’ll have a complete post on Mycoplasma genitalium ready by the end of next week.

View of students walking on the campus of Santa Barbara City College with the ocean in the background and the insignia of Santa Barbara City College on the bottom right.

Welcome to students from Santa Barbara City College

Santa Barbara City College was the first college in the country to use the Guide To Getting It On in their sex ed classes.

A special welcome to SBCC students who are taking PSY 125: Psychology Of Human Sexuality. It’s one of the few courses that will keep rewarding you and your partners throughout your entire lives.

A threesome in bed with the caption "Meet some of our weekly newsletter subscribers."

Sign up for our newsletter and…

Sign up for our newsletter and you will be automatically entered in a weekly drawing to win a FREE COPY of the GUIDE TO GETTING IT ON.

 

You will be reentered in each week’s drawing unless you have already won. You must claim to be at least 18 years of age, and you must live in the US to receive a printed version of the book. If you live elsewhere, we will send you a coupon to receive a free Kindle or iBooks ebook, unless you live in a part of the world where Amazon and Apple will not deliver, in which case we will only be able to send you our deepest sympathies.

We will never sell, rent or otherwise abuse your email address.

A photo of Olympic medalist Gus Kenworthy.

Olympic Champion Gus Kenworthy: “I feel like I’m helping battle gay stereotypes, because I compete in a rugged action sport.”

Gus Kenworthy, who was an olympic freestyle skiing medalist at the 2014 Sochi Games, came out as being gay last December.

Kenworthy told Us Magazine, “I used to hook up with girls to be cool with the guys; there were times I would cry afterwards.” (Some of the women he dated included Miley Cyrus and figure skater Gracie Gold.)

“I was worried I’d be known as ‘the gay skier’… and everything else about me would be overlooked. I have a big fan base of young girls, and I didn’t want to disappoint them.”

Nothing of the sort happened. Friends and family have been incredibly supportive.

Kenworthy says it’s insane how many gay athletes have since come out to him, several who are still closeted.

From US Magazine.

From Pink News.

Man on moisture wicking boxer briefs and woman athlete in moisture wicking uniform.

Moisture Wicking Underwear and Sportswear

Not many people understand what moisture wicking underwear is, and how it can keep you drier and smelling fresher between your legs. It also feels great.

We’ve always been told that cotton is best, especially for the crotches of women’s underwear. But now that we have third generation mositure-wicking fabrics, this is no longer the case.

Cotton is thicker than moisture wicking fabric. It absorbs body sweat and holds the moisture in the center of the fabric. So it dries slowly.

Moisture wicking fabrics are much thinner than cotton. They are designed with special fibers that whisk moisture and sweat away from your skin and distribute it over the outer surface of the fabric, where it can dry quickly. This keeps the moisture away from your skin.

Moisture wicking fabric also has antibacterial properties. That’s because it dries quickly so bacteria can’t form inside of it like it does inside of cotton—so your underwear is less likely to smell like the inside of a boys’ high school locker room.

Young man with a very sweaty teeshirtCotton holds sweat like this.

Thanks to The Underwear Expert for an explanation of moisture wicking material.

Most guys are not porn sized

The average erection is between 5.25 and 5.5 inches long.

Click the navigation for a slideshow of normal-sized men.

  • A woman-man-woman threesome under a blue open sleeping bag in front of a tent, with one of the women smiling deviously while looking under the sleeping bag.
  • A guy spanking the exposed rear end of a woman who is wearing a dress and is leaning over on a table.

Two of women’s more frequent sex fantasies

After reading more than 5,000 women’s sex surveys, two of the fantasies that come up more often than others are to have a threesome and to be spanked in a way that’s erotic. If either of these ring true and you are planning to try one or the other in real life, here are some helpful resources.

THREESOMES: Most threesomes involve an established couple and a third person. There are conversations the couple should have ahead of time–with each other and then with the third. There are also issues the third person needs to consider, including the fact that he or she is the odd one out.

CLICK HERE for a copy of the free chapter on threesomes from the Guide To Getting It On. It includes a helpful list of what to know about threesomes before having one. It’s sensitive to how the emotions—as well as the mechanics—can be different when you are having sex with two other people as opposed to just one.

SPANKING: Anyone can spank you, but doing it in a way that fills both partners’erotic needs takes effort and preparation. Fortunately, Janet Hardy’s new book Spanking for Lovers has just been released. Janet has been the publisher and author of some of the most respected books on non-vanilla sex. Her common sense approach and years of experience make her a great resource on spanking. You won’t find a better book on the subject.

Also, The Pleasure Mechanics has created a helpful video on spanking called Erotic Spanking Mastery. The videos from The Pleasure Mechanics are extremely well done. Couples find it very comfortable to watch them together.

The delightful spanking image above is from the Blink of an Eye Tumblr. The happy threesome is a royalty-free image from DollarPhoto.com.

Image of a woman and man embracing, only he's made out of newsprint.

Love in two mediums

Someone had fun transforming the photo below into the image above! The actual shot of the couple was taken by Illinois photographer Chris Keeling.

Topless woman and man embracing.

Very colorful slit image with a close up of color pencils and their shavings on the left and a closeup of the colorful painted hands of eight people clasping together in a row.

Colors

I often prefer images in black and white. But when I saw these two colorful photos of pencils and hands on Ive Freya’s Tumblr, it seemed like they were begging to be joined together. So with a little magic from Photoshop…

  • Drawing of how a scrotum with a varicocele looks.
  • Photos of two men's scrotums showing their varicocele condition.
  • Drawing of a cross section of a scrotum showing a varicocele.
  • Drawing showing normal veins and veins where the valves aren't working as a result of a varicocele.

Varicoceles—can cause infertility, low testosterone, and a smaller testicle in young men

The testicles need a supply of fresh blood to function correctly. It’s not difficult for the heart to pump blood into the testicles. The problem is how to get the blood in the testicles back to the heart when a man is standing.

To help keep the blood from flowing backward, the veins leading away from the testicles contain small one-way valves. When these valves aren’t working correctly, the blood can pool in the veins and make them bulge like a small bag of worms. This creates a condition that’s called a varicocele.
Varicoceles are only prominent when a man is standing and the pull of gravity is at its worst. Varicoceles usually subside when he is lying down.

Approximately 1 out of 6 -to -7 boys between the ages of 15 and 25 have a varicocele. This is the age when the testicles are growing and need an increased supply of blood.

Most varicoceles occur above the left testicle only. While they can sometimes be over both testicles, it is rare that a varicocele will occur on the right testicle only. This could be because the distance the blood travels from the left testicle to the heart is several centimeters longer than from the right testicle to the heart. Also, the blood from the left testicle doesn’t always flow as smoothly as the blood from the right due to a bend in the vein somewhere near the left kidney.

Approximately 35% of men with a varicocele are infertile. This doesn’t seem logical, because varicoceles usually involve only one testicle; the other should be free to produce healthy sperm. However, varicoceles cause the entire scrotum to be warmer than is healthy for sperm production. This could explain why varicoceles can cause infertility when they only involve one testicle.

While it’s normal for testicles to vary in size up to 20%, the testicle on the left can become much smaller than the one on the right when there is a varicocele. And regardless of the severity of a varicocele, it can cause a man’s testosterone level to be abnormally low, even when he is in his teens and twenties.

Most males who have varicoceles can’t feel them. When they do, it’s often after hard exercise or on a hot day with a lot of standing. If a varicocele causes a dull ache or pain, surgery is often considered. Surgery is also recommended when it appears that a varicocele is causing sperm production to be abnormal or is lowering a man’s testosterone levels.

Some researchers are recommending that young men with varicoceles have then surgically repaired regardless of the severity of the varicocele. This is to help prevent lowered testosterone levels throughout life. Surgery has also proven successful in reversing infertility when the cause of infertility is a varicocele.

Varicoceles should always be examined by a urologist who has experience in evaluating them.

In addition to the physical problems associated with varicoceles, the resulting “worms in a bag” look of the scrotum can take a psychological toll on some men. This can be an added reason to have the varicocele surgically treated.

Varicoceles do not cause cancer of the testicles nor are they associated with it.

An excellent source of information about varicoceles is the Teenage Varicocele Association. 

Varicoceles Linked to Lower Testosterone Levels in Men

The Turek Clinic also has helpful information. 

Woman driving a car, with one hand on the steering wheel, and the other in the male passenger 's lap.

Sex Drive in The Netherlands

According to CNN: “Government ministers in the Netherlands have confirmed that it is legal for driving instructors to offer lessons in exchange for sex.”

This would explain the growing trend in The Netherlands for driver’s ed cars to be full-size instead of compact.

Line Art illustration of a woman with a painful look on her face looking at a couple who is having intercourse with the caption "Damn that hurts."

When Sex Always Hurts

CLICK HERE to download a FREE chapter on chronic sexual pain from the Guide To Getting It On.

Few men understand how painful sex can be for some women. This isn’t pain from sex that’s rushed or rough. It’s more like when a Q-tip is pressed against a woman’s genitals and it causes her to flinch in pain. Or when intercourse with a gentle lover creates an intense burning sensation in her vagina or makes her feel like she’s being stabbed with a knife. Or when the muscles around the opening of her vagina are clamped so tight she can’t insert a tampon.

Fortunately, for plenty of women with sexual pain, it’s not this severe. But it still makes sex something they endure rather than enjoy.

Many of us assume there are two times in life when sex hurts for women: their first time and after menopause. We don’t realize that more than 20% of women in their teens, twenties, thirties and beyond can experience pain during sex, and not just once or twice. Chronic sexual pain that can last for months or years.

While rushed or clumsy lovemaking can make sex painful for women, this can usually be resolved with effort and education, or by finding a new lover. That is not the case when there is chronic pain during sex.

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website-of-the-week1200

Website of the Week: Slutever

There are dozens—okay, hundreds—of sex and dating websites. One I’d put at the top of my list is Slutever.

How can you top articles like these, which actually provide competent advice?

—SHOULD I LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO A CRAIGSLIST RANDOM?

—THAT MOMENT WHEN YOUR MOM FINDS YOUR DILDO

—IF YOU THINK YOUR VAGINA SMELLS WEIRD, THIS IS PROBABLY WHY (probiotics have never been shown to help with BV, but the rest of this article is totally on the money and should be read by all.)

SLUTEVER is very cool.

  • Couple with man holding a woman from behind, showing both of their breasts.
  • A hugging couple from the side with her breasts pushed up against his.

Men’s and Women’s breasts are more similar than we used to think

Until recently, scientists believed that a major difference between men’s and women’s breasts is that men’s breasts do not have the capacity to develop lobules and milk ducts. These are the structures that make it possible for women to nurse.

However, male-to-female transexuals who are taking a certain combination of drugs have been able to produce copious amounts of breast milk and have successfully breast feed babies. So while drugs alone can’t change a woman’s clitoris into a penis, the right combination of progestin, estrogen and domperidone can change a man’s breasts into fully functional female breasts.

Also, women who have a condition called AIS (where they have male pattern XY chromosomes instead of XX chromosomes) have a good chance of being able to nurse a baby if they take domperidone. So the potential to develop fully functional lobes and ducts seems to be there regardless of a person’s sex.

An hysterically funny video for the “Autoblow 2” male sex toy

I’ve never seen a sex toy video that comes even close to having a sense of humor, let alone one that’s laugh-out-loud funny. If this product is anywhere near as good as the video they’ve created to promote it, every guy on the planet will want an Autoblow 2.

While this post is an endorsement of the video, it is in no way an endorsement of the product. A squirt of lube in your hand might feel better than this thing, and you won’t be out the $175 (including shipping.) Also, you should never believe the words “easy cleanup” when it comes to male masturbation sleeves, whether they are automatic or driven by a human arm.

If you are interested in getting an Autoblow 2, stalk the site for awhile. They were running a $60 off sale during Christmas, and they seem to periodically offer discounts.

Tipped Uterus & Intercourse Positions

The uterus usually points toward a woman’s belly or abdomen. But up to 30% of women have a uterus that’s tipped or tilted, which means it can point upwards or even toward a woman’s back. This is why some women with a tipped uterus experience period pain more as a back ache than as discomfort in their abdomen.
tipped-vs-normal-uterusHaving a tipped uterus usually isn’t a reason for concern. Most women go their entire lives unaware they have a tipped uterus–although having a tipped uterus can impact a woman’s choice of intercourse positions.

It’s not unusual for a woman with a tipped uterus to prefer positions where she is face to face with her partner. Rear entry or doggie style positions can feel painful. So the missionary position might be her favorite, or she might enjoy a woman-on-top position where she’s facing forward as opposed to a reverse cowgirl.

The terms “tilted uterus” and “tipped uterus” are used interchangeably. They mean the same thing.

Image from the 1920s showing a close up of lovers who are about to kiss.

Sex Slang from the Past

Will people in the future find the sex terms we use today as amusing as we find the sex terms from the past?

Dingwallace (1950s), Soupbone (1920s) and Tooleywag (late 1800s) were all slang terms for the penis.

CHINA (1930s) was an acronym that lovers would say to each other over the phone. It meant “Come Home I’m Naked Already.”

Gamahuche (1800s) was a slang term for having oral sex. Giving oral sex was considered to be scandalous during the 1800s.

French Love (1800s) was when a prostitute was willing to give a man oral sex. Prostitutes who gave oral sex were looked down upon by other prostitutes.

Grog Shops, Slop Shops and Tippling Houses (1790s to 1820s) were bars or taverns that rented rooms to prostititues who would service customers. During that time, there were brothels on almost every street corner in America’s larger cities.

Guidebooks (mid to late 1800s) booklets that could be found in most American cities that listed the brothels and their specialties. Often made in a size that could fit into a coat pocket.

The first four terms are from an article by Danielle Tarasuik: 11 Bizarre Sex Euphemisms From The Past That We Should Totally Bring Back…Or Not The other terms are from the chapter on Sex in the 1800s in the Guide To Getting It On.

  • Close up image of two frogs mating.

Amazing Nature Photographer

These images are by one of the best nature photographers in the world, Matthieu Berroneau. See more of his incredible images on FLICKR and keep up with him on his FACEBOOK page.

Couple on bed starting to have casual sex, woman in slip on top.

Three kinds of casual sex—NSA, FWB, and Sex with an Ex

People often think of casual sex as being just one thing. But there are at least three very different kinds of casual sex: Sex with No Strings Attached, Friends with Benefits, and Sex with an Ex.

Sex with No Strings attached is as casual as casual sex gets. It often involves sex with a total stranger who you might have only met in the last hour. Or you may have been on each other’s radar for weeks or months before opportunity knocked. It might be a one-night stand, or it may have its own jagged lifeline. The triggers can be many, but alcohol is often involved.

As for Friends with Benefits, there’s a reason why it starts with the word “friends.” It’s usually with someone you know and it often happens more than once. There’s plenty of wiggle room when it comes to defining friends with benefits (aka “booty call” or “fuck buddy”).

Friends with Benefits can just be for sex or it can include hanging out. It can be with an acquaintance who is maybe a Facebook friend but not someone you’d call when you need a real friend. It can also be with a good friend, which doesn’t always end up as bad as you might think. There are situations where friends have sex and then stay friends after they stop having sex. There’s no way to know how it’s going to turn out ahead of time.

“When I was involved in my hook-up relationship I would never call him up for a sober booty call. It was always when I was drunk and wanted sex. That is also how I knew there was no emotional attachment because I wasn’t even interested in hanging out with the guy unless I had been drinking. He wasn’t really my type. We didn’t have much in common other than the sex.” female age 23

“I had a friends with benefits relationship when I was in high school with a good friend. We never really had “those” kind of feelings, but the sex was just great. I still consider it some of the best I’ve ever had. Guess you might say it’s still going on—sometimes when I am home visiting my folks we just get together for the sex.” female age 24

“He was a football player and wasn’t someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. We didn’t have a lot in common besides the sex. Most people didn’t even know we were hooking up.” female age 22

One problem with Friends with Benefits is that people who are in them seldom talk about their expectations or feelings. They don’t talk with each other about their relationship, which is still a relationship of sorts even if it’s not filled with “I love you’s.” This kind of relationship more or less happens without much discussion.

Another form of casual sex is Sex with an Ex. If you are super horny or drowning in loneliness you might call an ex for sex. Or maybe you’re both at a place where you realize the best thing about your relationship was the sex, so why not go for it. This might work. At the same time, the potential pitfalls in having sex with an ex are endless.

Are there other kinds of casual sex? Of course. Consider this woman’s situation, where Sex with No Strings Attached turned into something more like Friends with Benefits:

“I hooked up with a guy two years ago. I didn’t know him, and I didn’t expect
to see him again. It’s been over two years, and we’ve become very good
friends, and we often have sex even if we’re not involved in each other lives
by mutual agreement.”

Casual sex can take on as many different forms as there are people who want to have it.